My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

*****************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started ...

******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

 

Type in any Christmas song and see what the little puppets do.   Also, type in any non-Christmas song (I typed in Happy Birthday) and you'll get a kick out of the response.  One of the funniest I typed in was Jingle Bell Rock... they forget the words half way through.  HOW DO THEY COME UP WITH THIS STUFF?

http://www.sundog.net/carolofthechins/flash/card.swf


 

A man is walking home  alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him
he hears:


BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of
an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...




Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him.




FASTER...



FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP.....



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his
door, with the lid of the casket clapping.


clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, as the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.








Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is
a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the
casket...


and,
















(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)











The coffin stops.

 HAPPY HALLOWEEN

 I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
patients
 were shouting, '13....13....13.'

 The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks,
 so I looked through to see what was going on.....

 Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

 Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
 

LOL!

Remember that drunk text you shouldnt have sent? 
http://textsfromlastnight.com/

Pictures of randomness 
http://thisisphotobomb.com/

Children doing their first fail.
http://myfirstfail.com/

Know that weird person you saw at walmart we do.
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/


good idea or bad idea you deside?
http://ugliesttattoos.com/



Ever Jerry Rig something and very proud of it well so are these folks.
http://thereifixedit.com/


Another Random Picture site
http://pictureisunrelated.com/

Letter regarding Microsoft Windows NJ Edition


Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the Windows XP New Joisey Edition may have been shipped outsida Joisey. If ya got one a dese,
youse may need some help unnerstanin da commands. Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads: "Windas XP", wit a
background pitcha a  Hoboken . When youse start da program, instead a da usual stringy like music, you hear a little Springsteen. It's also shipped
wit a Sopranos screen sava. Please also note:

*Recycle bin is labeled "  Newark "

*My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa"

*The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk"

*Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked", "Erased" or "Rubbed Out"

*Control Panel is known as "The  Bo sses"

* Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "Enhancin' da Family Business" and will actually maximize da program instead a shuttin' it down

*Hard Drive is referred to as "Da Turnpike on  Da Way to Da Shore"

*Instead of an error message, "You Ain't Gonna Friggin' Believe Dis'" pops up.

Changes in Terminology in Da Joisey Edition:
OK . . . . Sure ting
Cancel .. . . . Fugetaboutit
Reset ... . . . Start ova
Yes . . . . Yeah
No . . . . Nah
Find . . . ... Put a Contract Out On it
Browse . . . . Get a Looksee
Back . . . . U-Toin
Help .. .. . . Get Your Own Friggin' Ansa
Stop . . . ...Knock it Off
Start . . . . Move it
Settings . ... . . Here's da Rules

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly got a copy of the Joisey Edition (not). You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. You gotta problem wit dat?

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.        The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like


 that.'The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.' The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 Girls and two grandchildren and   he doesn't wear his collar that way!'The priest, getting impatient, said.  'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom,and put your pants on backwards instead of
 your collar.'

BOY SITTING ON TOILET.

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.  HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.



 THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD



WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.


 
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN INHERE FOR AWHILE."



 BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."



MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES.BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"





 BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After several years of searching, he finally finds a theatre where they seem prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
   
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. At the opening you walk on stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
   
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
   
The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming! "Arghhhhhh! You idiot!" he cries. "You've ruined me!"
   
The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
   
"No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!"

Three men married wives from different states..

The first man married a woman from Idaho . He told her that she was to do the
dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day,
he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Kansas . He gave his wife orders that
she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.. The first day he
didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third
day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge
dinner on the table. 

The third man married a girl from New Jersey. He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the
table for every meal.. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was
healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:


Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.


As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.


With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.


Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.


'What in bag?' asked the old woman .


Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'


The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.  Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

 

"Good trade"

>>
> A guy goes into an adult store in New York C ity and asks for an
> inflatable doll.
>
> Guy behind the counter says, "Male of female?"
>
> Customer says, 'Female.'
>
> Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?'
> Customer says, 'White.'
>
> Counter guy asks, ' Christian or Muslim?'
> Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
>
> Counter guy says, 'The Muslim blows itself up.
>

 Clean Underwear



 If you don't laugh out loud at this one,

call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead.

==========================================================

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle..From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of
a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their
car break down in the parking lot.The man told his wife to carry on with
the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later
to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under
the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
parts into glaringly public ones.Unable to stand the embarrassment, she
dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his
shorts, and
tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked
across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was
standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
 I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final  answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

 

"Cup of Tea"

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
   
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
   
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
   
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.  After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
   
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'  My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
   
Then she says, (as only a mother would know...
   
"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm,
she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If
you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile,
she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

Fourth Place:


A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast,

I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:

Pete worked in a pickle factory. 

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one
day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. 

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. 

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Pete said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Pete came home and his wife could see at once
that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Pete?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Pete, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Pete, what happened?'
'I got fired.'

'No, Pete  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wif e says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
together.'

'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked
as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.



He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'



The boy replied, 'What turkey?'



The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'



The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'



The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.



If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'



The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'



May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!